‘I’m hard to love but I love so hard’
-Daisy Gray: Down For You
All my life I’ve been told I’m hard to love.
I’m hard to love, but I love so hard.
I thought that maybe I was hard to love because I love so hard.
But I don’t know how to love any other way.
Intense; the word you used when asked to describe my love language. While others are met with ‘words of affirmation’, ‘gift giving’, ‘physical affection’ and the like, I am met with ‘intense’.
You’re not wrong. And I know you couldn’t have said just one of the above either; because I am all of them. And I am intense. I always have been.
I am ‘I’m proud of you’, ‘you amaze me’, ‘you’re so strong,’. I am a doorstep package and a favorite candy bar. I am a cruise to the Bahamas because it’s your birthday and a grand gesture because I can. I am a hand in your hand and arms around your neck every chance I get. I am thigh pressed to thigh under the dinner table. I am eye contact across a crowded room and a whispered ‘I love you’ as we pass in the hall. I am an offering to your desires and a do anything you like and a tell me your fantasy so I can become it.
I am chaos and devastation; an inferno of destruction. I am a midnight fury of fists and broken glass. I am doors off hinges and rage fueled threats. I am suffocating sobs and curses to rival the elder witches. I am dents in walls and shattered dishes. I am all or I am nothing.
But you…. You take my fury and make it something beautiful. You collect the shards and create a mosaic work of art. You dry my tears and counter my curses with admiration and adoration. I’ve given you hell and you’ve given me a home.
I am yours. I am yours because all my life my intensity has been matched with apathy, until you. I am yours because you fuel the fire of my soul while all others have attempted to snuff it out. I am yours because you value the wilderness within and because you do not wish to tame me. I am yours because you offer my intensity a warm embrace while others have offered a cage. I am yours, because you’ve never led me to believe that I am hard to love at all.
I am intense.
But so are you.
All of me- rage and fire, love and desire, is yours. And yours alone.